Top 10 Ugliest Uniforms and Their Nazi Counterparts pt. 5

2. Joseph Goebbels and the Denver Nuggets

Goebbels was officially the Minister for Public Enlightenment, which meant he was charged with selling the Nazi idealism to the German masses.  Which he did, all too well.  He developed the "Big Lie" theory of propaganda, which is based on the "If we say it loud enough, and enough time, it becomes truth" (turn on Fox News if you don't understand).  In addition to being probably the best salesman of all time, he was also probably one of the worst human beings of all time (you gotta believe in what you are selling).  Some of the evils committed include setting off the attack on German Jews that led to the Holocaust, instigating widespread book burnings, rampant womanizing and pedophilia. He was Hitler's successor as leader of the Reich for one day, before killing his wife and 6 young children, then taking his own life.

The Nuggets of the 80's were horrible, and so were their jerseys.  They appear to feature sort of rainbow Tetris motif, that is supposed to represent the Denver skyline on a Rocky Mountain backdrop.  According to this logo Denver is some magical place to live (or at least the Gay Pride capital of Colorado), not the cold, thin aired, overpriced pit of misery that we all know it is.

What's the connection?

They are big liars.  History can see through the veiled secrets they hid during their reign of misinformation.

1. Adolf Hitler and the Denver Broncos

We all know who Hitler was. So how about some stuff you may not have known?  He was a vegetarian, for the most part, only eating meat on occasion.  He was an ardent anti-smoker, advocating smoking bans in his bunker (the first thing officer's did after he committed suicide was light up.)  He had three known girlfriends in his life, all three of which attempted suicide, with two succeeding.  He was Time Magazine's 1938 Man of The Year (wtf?) He was raised Roman Catholic. His middle name was Schicklgruber until he entered politics and removed it due to it's Jewish roots (it was his father's surname until he changed it to Heidler, then Hitler.)  History remembers him as the worst human being ever to walk the face of the earth (take that Art Modell.)

I'm not trying to pick on Denver here, but geez.  Luckily for all the baby boomers out there, there wasn't a lot of color television going on at the beginning of the 60's when the Broncos first treated the world to these beauties.  Unlucky for us in the here and now, you can't turn on ESPN, or read an article on nfl.com without seeing these things.  The uniforms aren't terrible, there's something there with the earth-tones in contrast, but those damn socks give me seizures.  To really understand, you need to see them in action.  They're only temporary, so far being worn twice this season, yet the city of Denver never learns.  In 1962 the fans burned these uniforms in a ceremony when the new "Orange Crush" uniforms were unveiled.

What's the connection?

When it's all said and done, and the big one is coming to an end, they'll be long gone, and hopefully mankind can learn from it's mistakes.

Top 10 Ugliest Uniforms and the Nazis That Inspired them. Pt 4

4. Hermann Goering and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Nazi poster boy Hermann Goering joined the party in 1922, after a very successful aviation career in the first World War.  As the years went by he gained momentum as a political force within the Third Reich.  By the outbreak of the war he was appointed as the commander of the Luftwaffe.  And despite being the most advanced air force on the planet, the Luftwaffe is now remembered as the Washington Generals of the History Channel.  In 1945 he was relieved of command and charged with treason.  He committed suicide while awaiting execution after the Nuremberg Trials.

The Buccaneers debuted in 1976 (and lost their first 26 games), wearing these uniforms as an AFC West team (because Tampa is in the western United States.)  They were sent to the NFC Central the following season (because Tampa is in the center of the United States.), until 2002 when the NFL finally got out a map and sent them to the NFC South (Tampa is in the South, right?) and they won their first Super Bowl.  These uniforms, however were long gone.  They were ceremoniously discarded in 1996, after only making the playoffs 2 times in their 20 year history. They became a perrenial playoff team almost immediately after the change.

What's the connection?

After 20 years of autrocity and ineptitude, they were finally dismissed of their command.

3. Josef Mengele and the WFL's pants

Dr. Mengele was a "physician" at Auschwitz.  The term "physician" here means demented madman with free roam to due horrible experiments on human test subjects in the name of "science."  He had a penchant for experimenting on identical twin children, doing bizarre operations such as changing the eye color of his patients, and unnecessary amputations without the use of anesthetics.  "Uncle" Mengele operated on approximately 3,000 twins, 26 pairs of which survived.  After the war he fled to Argentina where he was hunted, yet not discovered until after his death in 1979.

The World Football League lasted for two glorious seasons, 1974 and 1975.  The league was forward thinking, in that they had an "Action Point" which was a precursor to the two point conversion in the NFL.  However another attempt at changing the sport as we know it, thankfully did not take off.  In 1974 they experimented with position based pant color and design.  Some of the examples include - blue for defensive linemen, purple for offensive linemen, white with three stars down the side for quarterbacks, and so on.  Luckily the league folded soon after.  Interestingly, because of the financial trouble the league was in, after World Bowl 1, the team's uniforms were confiscated by the local sherrif's department as collateral.  This is so far as I know, the only time uniforms have been arrested.

What's the connection?

They were responsible for horrible experiments released upon human kind, only to disappear entirely shortly after.

Top 10 Ugliest Uniforms and the Nazis That Inspired them. Pt 3

6. Heinrich Muller and the Chicago White Sox

Heinrich Muller was the head of the Gestapo and a main player in the planning of the Holocaust.  He was last seen walking around the Fuhrerbunker the day after Hitler committed suicide.  He remains the highest ranking Nazi whose ultimate fate is unknown.

These beauties were the brainchild of Chicago owner Bill Veeck.  Veeck often used gimmicks to sell tickets (like the infamous disco demolition night), and this was one of his many 1976 stunts.  Only worn once that summer, no attempt has been made to bring them back.

What's the connection?

No one is sure what happened to them, and however unlikely, the fear that they could return has terrified people for years.

5. Heinrich Himmler and the Houston Astros

Heinrich Himmler was the leader of the S.S., Minister of the Interior, Commander-in-Chief of the Army of the Rhine and an all-round bad guy.  He was one of the most powerful men in the Third Reich, and once attempted peace negotiations with the Allies.  He was also involved in an attempted assassination of Hitler, so as to gain power.  At the end of his life, he was hunted by both the Axis powers and the Allies.

First adorned in the late 70's, these sunrise inspired disco shirts remained throughout the Astros heydays of the 80's.  They looked rather silly, and even made Nolan Ryan look less intimidating.

What's the connection?

These disgusting things started out strong, but ended up hated by everybody.

Top 10 Ugliest Uniforms and the Nazis That Inspired them. Pt 2

8. Adolf Eichmann and the Vancouver Canucks

Eichmann is known as "the architect of the Holocaust", as he was in charge of the transportation of Jews to internment camps.  He was caught hiding out in Argentina in 1960, and executed in Israel as a war criminal.

The Canucks first sported these safety vests in 1979 until finally being replaced in 1986.

What's the connection?

They appear to have worked for the transportation department until finally being killed, much too late.

7. Rudolf Hess and the Seattle Seahawks

Rudolf Hess was Hitler's top deputy, until, for unknown reasons, he crashed a plane in Scotland.  Theories on this strange flight range from defection, to an attempt for peace, to the man just being insane.

The Seahawks expanded on their neon green stripe idea until it encompassed their entire torso, and the helmet is still a different shade of blue than the rest of the jersey.  So far it has only made a few appearances this season.

What's the connection?

They've got a scheme that is just mind-boggling, and may never be understood.

Top 10 Ugliest Uniforms and the Nazis That Inspired them. Pt 1

No one likes Nazis.  There was a whole war about it.  Also, no one likes ugly uniforms.  So here are the most hideous uniforms in history, and the Nazis that inspired them.

10. Reinhard Gehlen and the Pittsburgh Pirates

Reinhard Gehlen was a Nazi spy, who after the war worked for the U.S. as their top intelligence agent working against the Soviet Union.

The Pirates wore these jerseys in the late 70's and early 80's, most notably during the "We Are Family" 1979 championship season.

What's the connection?

They may be bad, but there is also something good to remember them by.

9. Artur Axmann and the Oregon Ducks

Axmann was the chief officer responsible for the organization and actions of the Hitler Youth.

These neon forest uniforms have been worn by the University of Oregon for the past few years, and are fondly embraced by the student body.

What's the connection?

They are a horrible influence on impressionable minds

8. Adolf Eichmann and the Vancouver Canucks

Eichmann is known as "the architect of the Holocaust", as he was in charge of the transportation of Jews to internment camps.  He was caught hiding out in Argentina in 1960, and executed in Israel as a war criminal.

The Canucks first sported these safety vests in 1979 until finally being replaced in 1986.

What's the connection?

They appear to have worked for the transportation department until finally being killed, much too late.

7. Rudolf Hess and the Seattle Seahawks

Rudolf Hess was Hitler's top deputy, until, for unknown reasons, he crashed a plane in Scotland.  Theories on this strange flight range from defection, to an attempt for peace, to the man just being insane.

The Seahawks expanded on their neon green stripe idea until it encompassed their entire torso, and the helmet is still a different shade of blue than the rest of the jersey.  So far it has only made a few appearances this season.

What's the connection?

They've got a scheme that is just mind-boggling, and may never be understood.

6. Heinrich Muller and the Chicago White Sox

Heinrich Muller was the head of the Gestapo and a main player in the planning of the Holocaust.  He was last seen walking around the Fuhrerbunker the day after Hitler committed suicide.  He remains the highest ranking Nazi whose ultimate fate is unknown.

These beauties were the brainchild of Chicago owner Bill Veeck.  Veeck often used gimmicks to sell tickets (like the infamous disco demolition night), and this was one of his many 1976 stunts.  Only worn once that summer, no attempt has been made to bring them back.

What's the connection?

No one is sure what happened to them, and however unlikely, the fear that they could return has terrified people for years.

5. Heinrich Himmler and the Houston Astros

Heinrich Himmler was the leader of the S.S., Minister of the Interior, Commander-in-Chief of the Army of the Rhine and an all-round bad guy.  He was one of the most powerful men in the Third Reich, and once attempted peace negotiations with the Allies.  He was also involved in an attempted assassination of Hitler, so as to gain power.  At the end of his life, he was hunted by both the Axis powers and the Allies.

First adorned in the late 70's, these sunrise inspired disco shirts remained throughout the Astros heydays of the 80's.  They looked rather silly, and even made Nolan Ryan look less intimidating.

What's the connection?

These disgusting things started out strong, but ended up hated by everybody.

4. Hermann Goering and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Nazi poster boy Hermann Goering joined the party in 1922, after a very successful aviation career in the first World War.  As the years went by he gained momentum as a political force within the Third Reich.  By the outbreak of the war he was appointed as the commander of the Luftwaffe.  And despite being the most advanced air force on the planet, the Luftwaffe is now remembered as the Washington Generals of the History Channel.  In 1945 he was relieved of command and charged with treason.  He committed suicide while awaiting execution after the Nuremberg Trials.

The Buccaneers debuted in 1976 (and lost their first 26 games), wearing these uniforms as an AFC West team (because Tampa is in the western United States.)  They were sent to the NFC Central the following season (because Tampa is in the center of the United States.), until 2002 when the NFL finally got out a map and sent them to the NFC South (Tampa is in the South, right?) and they won their first Super Bowl.  These uniforms, however were long gone.  They were ceremoniously discarded in 1996, after only making the playoffs 2 times in their 20 year history. They became a perrenial playoff team almost immediately after the change.

What's the connection?

After 20 years of autrocity and ineptitude, they were finally dismissed of their command.

3. Josef Mengele and the WFL's pants

Dr. Mengele was a "physician" at Auschwitz.  The term "physician" here means demented madman with free roam to due horrible experiments on human test subjects in the name of "science."  He had a penchant for experimenting on identical twin children, doing bizarre operations such as changing the eye color of his patients, and unnecessary amputations without the use of anesthetics.  "Uncle" Mengele operated on approximately 3,000 twins, 26 pairs of which survived.  After the war he fled to Argentina where he was hunted, yet not discovered until after his death in 1979.

The World Football League lasted for two glorious seasons, 1974 and 1975.  The league was forward thinking, in that they had an "Action Point" which was a precursor to the two point conversion in the NFL.  However another attempt at changing the sport as we know it, thankfully did not take off.  In 1974 they experimented with position based pant color and design.  Some of the examples include - blue for defensive linemen, purple for offensive linemen, white with three stars down the side for quarterbacks, and so on.  Luckily the league folded soon after.  Interestingly, because of the financial trouble the league was in, after World Bowl 1, the team's uniforms were confiscated by the local sherrif's department as collateral.  This is so far as I know, the only time uniforms have been arrested.

What's the connection?

They were responsible for horrible experiments released upon human kind, only to disappear entirely shortly after.

2. Joseph Goebbels and the Denver Nuggets

Goebbels was officially the Minister for Public Enlightenment, which meant he was charged with selling the Nazi idealism to the German masses.  Which he did, all too well.  He developed the "Big Lie" theory of propaganda, which is based on the "If we say it loud enough, and enough time, it becomes truth" (turn on Fox News if you don't understand).  In addition to being probably the best salesman of all time, he was also probably one of the worst human beings of all time (you gotta believe in what you are selling).  Some of the evils committed include setting off the attack on German Jews that led to the Holocaust, instigating widespread book burnings, rampant womanizing and pedophilia. He was Hitler's successor as leader of the Reich for one day, before killing his wife and 6 young children, then taking his own life.

The Nuggets of the 80's were horrible, and so were their jerseys.  They appear to feature sort of rainbow Tetris motif, that is supposed to represent the Denver skyline on a Rocky Mountain backdrop.  According to this logo Denver is some magical place to live (or at least the Gay Pride capital of Colorado), not the cold, thin aired, overpriced pit of misery that we all know it is.

What's the connection?

They are big liars.  History can see through the veiled secrets they hid during their reign of misinformation.

1. Adolf Hitler and the Denver Broncos

We all know who Hitler was. So how about some stuff you may not have known?  He was a vegetarian, for the most part, only eating meat on occasion.  He was an ardent anti-smoker, advocating smoking bans in his bunker (the first thing officer's did after he committed suicide was light up.)  He had three known girlfriends in his life, all three of which attempted suicide, with two succeeding.  He was Time Magazine's 1938 Man of The Year (wtf?) He was raised Roman Catholic. His middle name was Schicklgruber until he entered politics and removed it due to it's Jewish roots (it was his father's surname until he changed it to Heidler, then Hitler.)  History remembers him as the worst human being ever to walk the face of the earth (take that Art Modell.)

I'm not trying to pick on Denver here, but geez.  Luckily for all the baby boomers out there, there wasn't a lot of color television going on at the beginning of the 60's when the Broncos first treated the world to these beauties.  Unlucky for us in the here and now, you can't turn on ESPN, or read an article on nfl.com without seeing these things.  The uniforms aren't terrible, there's something there with the earth-tones in contrast, but those damn socks give me seizures.  To really understand, you need to see them in action.  They're only temporary, so far being worn twice this season, yet the city of Denver never learns.  In 1962 the fans burned these uniforms in a ceremony when the new "Orange Crush" uniforms were unveiled.

What's the connection?

When it's all said and done, and the big one is coming to an end, they'll be long gone, and hopefully mankind can learn from it's mistakes.

Ten Things You Would Notice if You Were Watching a Baseball Game in the 19th Century

The game of baseball began as the English children's game called rounders in the early 1800's.  As with most sports, it went through some odd growing pains until it developed into what we now consider baseball.  Prior to 1900 (considered modern era) there are a few things you would immediately notice.

Jamie Moyer was a bit younger then.

10.  The Innings
There are nine innings in baseball.  That's common knowledge.  Unless the civil war hasn't happened yet, then you have to score 21 aces before you can go home.  There were 3 outs per offensive strike, then the opposing team would get there attempt to come to strike, and so on.  Until someone scored 21 points.  In 1857 the powers that be settled on 9 of these innings, rather than a set score to reach, saving us from 7 hour games, for the most part.

Because the Amish cannot stay out that late.

9. The Gloves

Or the lack there of.  Players simply were too manly to wear gloves.  Early attempts by players to wear gloves resulted in childish name calling.  Sticks and stones may break their bones, but in the 1870's words could hurt you more.  It wasn't until 1875 that players came to their senses.  Somewhat.  The early gloves were leather with slightly padded palms.  And no fingers.  You ever stubbed a toe.  You can stub fingers too.

pictured: not a sissy-girl

8.  The Ball

The old horsehide, literally made of horsehide back then, was dark brown (as leather is when not dyed), and therefore, hard to see.  The home team supplied the one ball that was to be used during a game, and the winner took home said ball as a trophy.  This was significant as the balls were generally made by the players themselves.  Mostly noticeable is the stitching.  The "lemon peel" stitching was the common style until the 1870's when the "figure 8" design we all know now came into use.  The oddest thing, in Alexander Cartwrights 1845 rules, a baseball hit over the fence was a strike, so balls would not be lost.  Yeah, no homeruns.

Bonds would have come off as even more of a jerk.

7. The Umpire

Picked by the captains of each team from a list of respected locals and paid a princely sum of $5, umpiring was not an easy task during the dawn of the industrial era.  These days there are four umpires in major league game.  Those days there was one.  Even Little League games have two umpires.  The umpire not only had to be up to speed on whatever crazy rule change happened that week, he also was the end-all-be-all authority in the stadium.  He had reign over fans, fines and rulings during his 21 aces on the field.  To help him out, he was allowed to ask fans for their perspective on a call before rendering his decision, until 1882.

1882 also was the first year alcohol was sold in a stadium.

6. The Inside Pitch

Pitchers didn't throw in the upper 90's back then, so inside pitches were their only way to show their intimidation factor.  Did I say "inside pitch"? I meant "hit the guy in the head."  There was no Hit-by-Pitch rule until 1870.  Prior to this, and having nine balls before a walk, pitchers would repeatedly plunk batters to get them off their game.  Could you imagine that now.  We'd have batters wearing football uniforms at the plate. Or ridiculous looking helmets.  (Our hero, the 1800's batter of course had no helmet)

Shake it off. You're at bat.

5. The Pitchers

Goodness.  The pitching rules.  We'll just say they used to pitch from a box, much like the batters box, of varying sizes and distance, until 1893 when the pitching rubber was invented and the powers that be came to the completely logical distance of 60 foot 6 inches (everything in baseball has to be divisible by 3).  Mounds eventually came into use, raised, lowered, raised and lowered again in 1969. And until 1884, pitchers had to throw underhand.

pictured: 1883 Cincinnati Reds

4. The Color

In 1947 Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier, becoming the first black player in Major League history, right? Wrong. Prior to the 1890's there were black players in baseball.  Cap Anson was baseball's biggest star at the end of the 19th century.  He was also one of history's biggest bigots.  He started refusing to play in games where a black man also played.  Not wanting to lose money due to Anson's no-showing games, clubs quickly released players of color.  This "gentlemen's agreement" went unchallenged until after Hitler's (history's #1 bigot) atrocities came to light and people started feeling guilty about racism (somewhat.)

Nine gentlemen.

3. The Called Pitch

Did you know at one point in time, you could ask for a high or low pitch.  Seriously, it was in the rules that before the pitch, the batter decided if he wanted a pitch up, or down in the strike zone.  If the pitch wasn't deemed at the correct height it was a ball.  Can't hit the low and away ball? It's okay just call for a high pitch.  Just don't forget the guy with the ball can hit you about as many times as he wants to.

High or Low?  Just reach the plate.

2. The Home Plate

Home plate used to be made of marble. Or Iron. Hopefully just wood.  Remember there was no padding, and their were still collisions at home.  And sliding.  You ever slide noggin first into a plate of iron at full tilt?  These days home plate is made of rubber, and is less likely to give you a concussion when you steal home.

.

Baseball is a rich man's sport these days.

1.  The Count
Alright.  How many strikes in an out? And how many balls before you can take your base? Try 4 strikes and up to 9 balls.  That is, after the invention of strikes and balls.  A rule was enacted in 1858 that allowed the umpire to call strikes on pitches he deemed hittable. The numbers varied on strikes and balls until 1899 when we got our current 3 strikes and 4 balls rule. These pitchers routinely pitched complete games, every game, AND had up to 9 balls and 4 strikes per batter? Could you imagine the pitch count on these guys?

I think I got another 400 pitches in me coach.

10 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Canadian Football

Now, I've never seen a CFL game, and have no idea where (other than Canada) I would be able to see one.  Nor do I have any desire to see one, but doing research on the subject, I've come to the conclusion it would probably drive me insane.  It resembles American Football, they have uniforms, helmets, goal posts and lines on the field.  However...

10.  The field is 110 yards long (sweet seats on the 55 yardline), 65 yards wide (53 1/3 in the U.S.) and has endzones 20 yards deep.

9.  The goal posts are still on the front of the endzone, the NFL moved them back before the 1974 season to reduce field goals and increase touchdowns.

8.  They play with 12 players on each side of the ball, with the extra one on offense usually being a running back and a defensive back (defensive half back) on defense.

7.  They play 3 downs instead of 4.  That would confuse the heck out of me. "It's third and long, better punt"

6.  Teams only have 1 timeout per half, with clock stoppages after every play within the 3 minute warning.

5.  When a fumble goes out of bounds, the last team to touch it gets it, regardless of who last had possession.

4.  The ball is much more oblong than the NFL football, making it harder to throw.

3.  The CFL has a 42 man roster, 21 of which have to be Canadian.

2.  Defense has to play 1 yard off the line scrimmage, and have only a 1 yard "bump and run" cushion.

1.  There is no fair catch rule.  Only the kicker (or any player behind the kicker) can come within 5 yards of the return man until he has possession.  The kicker (or any player behind the kicker) is also the only one who can recover a kick that has not been fielded, and he can then advance the ball.

Well, there ya go Canada, you whacky canucks.

Things to Consider... (when writing a top 10 baseball movies list)

As I wrote this list, I saw the formulatic pattern the studios were using to churn out great baseball movies (the resemblance most obvious with Major League and Bull Durham.)  It is not a coincidence that between 1988 and 1989, four of the movies on this list were made (beside the fact I was in little league at this time and just ate baseball up.)  Hollywood started coming up with a baseball formula way back with "The Babe Ruth Story" in 1948, and added to it as movies found success.  Here is a list of questions studios look at when considering green lighting a baseball movie:

1. Is it based on a New York team(everyone lives in New York right)?
2. Is Kevin Costner in it?
3. Can we get Charlie Sheen?
4. Is James Earl Jones available, too?
5. Everyone loves an underdog, can the team suck?
6. Is there a pitcher/catcher relationship to exploit for plot purposes?
7. There's a superstitious latino player on the team, right?
8.  And an unscrupulous reporter hanging around the club house?
9.  Is Shoeless Joe Jackson a character in the movie?  People love silly nicknames.
10.  Management is a stressful career, can we make the coach an alcoholic?

Using the formula above, we get the following facts:
Bang the Drum Slowly gets 2 points.
Bad News Bears gets 3 points.
A League of Their Own gets 3 points.
Eight Men Out gets 3 points.
61* gets just 2 points.
The Sandlot gets just 2 points.
Major League has a hefty 4 points.
The Natural gets 3 points.
Field of Dreams gets 3 points (unless you count Ray and his Father as Pitcher/Catcher, in which case it gets 4 points.)
Bull Durham also has 4 points.

Perhaps I should re-look at this ranking.  But before I can do that, I have a script to write where Shoeless Joe Jackson, played by Charlie Sheen catches for the New York Bombers, along with his best friend, a Hatian witchdoctor/pitcher played by James Earl Jones, coached by a drop-down-drunk Kevin Costner.  Along the way, the team has to overcome the hostile New York media to win their first pennant in a hundred years. Throw in a trip to the hospital to see a dying kid and... Hello Hollywood!

Top 10 Baseball Movies of All-Time (pt 5)

2. Field of Dreams (1989)

"It's okay, honey.  I... I was just talking to the cornfield."

You thought the quote would be "If you build it, he will come" didn't you. This movie about an Iowa farmer with daddy issues having a midlife crisis is based on W.P. Kinsella's novel "Shoeless Joe."  The studio actually refused to use the book title as the movie title because they were afraid the movie-going public would think it was about a homeless guy.  All the homeless guys I know have shoes, silly studios.  Not so much about baseball as it is about life (as stated on the VHS tape jacket), it stars Kevin Costner as Ray Kinsella, Ray Liotta as Shoeless Joe Jackson, and James Earl Jones as Terry Mann (an author that was J.D. Salinger in the book version.)  A voice tells Ray to build a ballfield on his Iowa farm so that Shoeless Joe can return.  The ghosts of the 1919 White Sox (rember Eight Men Out from earlier?) walk out of the cornfield to play baseball, something apparently not offered in heaven. Ray keeps hearing the voice and doing it's bidding, until the final scene, where he asks "what's in it for me?," and Joe points to the catcher, some words are said, and everyone cries.

1. Bull Durham (1988)

"This a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains."

Here comes Kevin Costner again, as Crash Davis, journeyman minor league catcher who hands out wisdom like some sort of life-experience dispensing ATM machine.  Susan Surandon  plays Annie Savoy, an aging groupie, who hands out sex like some sort of sex dispensing ATM machine.  She is however, in the pretext of the baseball season, monogamous.   Every season she picks one of the ball players on the Durham Bulls minor league team, has a relationship with them, and then they move on.  She is considered a good-luck charm, as not a ballplayer yet has not had their finest season when he is with her.  This year it is young hard-throwing pitcher Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh (Tim Robbins).  Crash happens to be brought in to tudor young Nuke.  The sexual tension between Crash and Annie is played out through their mutual control over Nuke.  This film makes you want to spend a summer on a bus in the Carolina Leagues.  It looks like baseball, feels like baseball, and smells like pinetar.

Top 10 Baseball Movies of All-Time (pt 4)

4. Major League (1989)

"JUUUSSSTTT a bit outside"

Now this list gets serious.  Major League came out in '89, and if you went to a little league game around that time, you wouldn't need to see the movie to quote the entire script.  We start the movie learning that the owner of the Cleveland Indians has died and left it to his Vegas showgirl wife Rachel Phelps (Margaret Whitton) who hates the city and plans to move the team to Florida.  She goes about hiring the worst players she can find; Jake Taylor (Tom Berenger) is an aging, washed-up catcher playing in the Mexican League; Roger Dorn (Corben Bernsen), an arrogant half-asser is the loan remainder from the previous season at third base; Willie Mays Hayes (Wesley Snipes) is a speedy centerfielder who wasn't even invited to training camp; and Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn (Charlie Sheen) is a ex-con pitcher with a nasty uncontrollable fastball.  Bob Uecker is a quote machine as Harry Doyle, the Indians radio announcer.  The loser team rallies around their hatred for Phelps in their quest to win the pennant and make us laugh.  This movie spawned two unwatchable sequels (Major League 2, and Major League: Back to the Minors) which pretty much followed the same script, minus the laughter.

3. The Natural (1984)

"It took me 16 years to get here. You play me, and I'll give ya the best I got"

I don't know if Bernard Malamud spent billions on a secret lab full of scientists and sportswriters to come up with the perfect baseball name, but "Roy Hobbs" just sounds like a ballplayer.  The Natural is based on Malamud's 1952 book of the same name, and follows 19 year old Hobbs (played by 48 year-old Robert Redford) as he leaves the family farm to pitch in the majors.  After striking out The Whammer (a Babe Ruth clone) in a carnival exhibition, he is shot by a mysterious woman for mysterious reasons.  He disappears from baseball before ever arriving, only to reappear 16 years later as a 35 rookie outfielder for the lowly New York Knights.  The story evokes themes from both the Aurhurian Myths of Sir Percival, Homer's Odyssey, and good old fashioned baseball.  It sounds a little high-brow for a baseball movie, but is saved by the fact Wilford Brimley plays coach Pop Fisher.